Zerkle finds healing after battle with substance abuse

CODY -Around the Cedar Mountain Center, Jillian Zerkle is known as the kind of person who "opens doors, both literally and metaphorically," said Steve Humphries-Wadsworth.

Zerkle has only worked at the facility since January, but immediately endeared herself to staff and residents, said Humphries-Wadsworth, the service line director of the center.

As a unit coordinator for the facility, Zerkle connects with residents, and makes sure they feel supported and stay mindful during one of the most difficult battles of their lives: an ongoing fight with mental health challenges and substance abuse.

Zerkle knows this particular battle, and this particular battlefield. 

In 2019, she spent 45 days at the Cedar Mountain Center - a pivotal month-and-a-half in what was, at that time, a 17-year battle with methamphetamine and alcohol abuse. She started using at age 11.

"I spent years Hulk-smashing my way through this town," she said. "I was the reason people locked their doors at night. I did a lot of damage here."

Zerkle has firsthand experience of the pain, darkness and isolation that comes with substance abuse. 

She has lost many friends to substance abuse over the years and acknowledges it is amazing she has lived long enough to tell her story, and that she has had the chance to use her story to improve the lives of others struggling with addiction. But she is grateful she can give back to an organization that saved her life.

"If I would have gone anywhere but CMC, I wouldn't have made it," Zerkle said. "I struggled for 17 years with addiction, and mental health was part of that battle. These guys made sure I was properly medicated. Taking care of those chemical imbalances helped me get my footing, and so did the things I learned here. This place saved my life. That's why I work here."

For Zerkle, like many struggling with substance abuse, addiction seemed like an unavoidable and predestined part of her life for many years.

"I didn't just wake up and decide I wanted to be an addict, and I don't think anyone does," she said. "There are mental health factors. There are genetic factors that predispose you to addiction. There was trauma - a lot of it, in my case. Of course, I didn't understand any of this at the time. All I know is that when I started using for the first time at age 11, it didn't even feel like a choice."

But by the summer of 2019, Zerkle was weary. She had been arrested, she had lost friends to drug addiction and many of her other relationships were in shambles. She was ready to start again.

"I was tired, and I was scared of dying," she said. "I thought there had to be a way out."

But starting again doesn't come easily. In order to be admitted to any rehab program like the Cedar Mountain Center, applicants are required to complete what is known as an abuse severity index. An ASI is an assessment tool used by psychologists, psychiatrists and therapists to gauge the severity of a person's substance abuse and provide a comprehensive overview of a person's addiction-related issues.

The assessment costs $200 and is not covered by insurance, Zerkle said.

"For a lot of people, that's where their journey ends," she said. "Most addicts don't have $200, and when they do, they're not going to spend it on an assessment."

Zerkle overcame this seemingly insurmountable hurdle with the help of her jailers in Worland, who generously agreed to pay for her ASI.

In the years since Zerkle completed her ASI, new programs have emerged to help individuals pay for the assessments, including state dollars and funding from various nonprofits, Humphries-Wadsworth said.

"For the most part, when people come in and need an ASI now, they're able to get one at no cost," he said.

The beginning of Zerkle's recovery journey, upon being admitted to the Cedar Mountain Center, was testing. Accurate diagnostic information is key to developing a treatment plan for every resident, said Josh Spinney, CMC counselor supervisor.

One of the first tests Zerkle received was the Genomind genetic test, which provides information about what medications might help residents address mental-health issues that exacerbate substance abuse, Humphries-Wadsworth said.

"A lot of times, people have been on a lot of medications and none of them work," he said. "What Genomind tells us is, for this person's genetics, whether a particular medication is likely to work or not. It removes the trial and error out of it, and for a lot of residents, it is very validating for their experience, because they realize there was a reason the medications didn't work, and it wasn't just their fault."

The Cedar Mountain Center sees addiction as a mental, physical and spiritual battle, and provides its residents with tools about how to fight addiction on all those fronts, Humphries-Wadsworth said. For Zerkle, a lot of her journey revolved around learning to love herself again and accepting love from others.

"A lot of it is teaching yourself how to grow up again," Zerkle said. "I hadn't felt love from anybody, including myself, for 17 years. When I came to Cedar Mountain Center, I encountered people who loved me and told me it wasn't my fault. That was huge for me to hear - that there were reasons I was an addict other than just being a bad person. The center connected me with people who had felt the same pain as me and fought the same battle, and we healed together."

Relationships are key to the healing of struggling addicts like Zerkle, Spinney said, but they don't always come easily.

"When you're struggling with addiction, there are a lot of things going on in your life that sets the standard that community is bad," Spinney said. "You don't want people to know about your struggles or about the crimes you've committed, so you isolate yourself. But here, we teach community is one of the most powerful tools and one of the only ways you can heal."

Zerkle said her time in the program taught her how to give back to others, and how to have fun without substances. Critically, it also helped her make amends with her mother and grandmother.

"Family week here was life-changing for me," she said. "We were able to speak to each other and learn how to forgive. The work I did here was very important."

Even after completing her 45-day stay at the Cedar Mountain Center, success was not guaranteed, Zerkle said.

Returning to the real world can be challenging, Humphries-Wadsworth said, and it is not out of the ordinary to see graduates of the program return for a second or even a third time.

"When we talk about recovery, it is never a straight line," he said."You can relapse, and sometimes you get stuck in the relapse, but that doesn't mean you've failed. It's all part of the journey."

The key to success, Spinney said, is connecting residents with the resources they need to survive on the outside, from groups like Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous to affordable medications.

"We've talked a lot about the barriers to entering care, but there are a lot of barriers after care too," Spinney said. "Medications are provided while our residents are here, but they have to pay for them when they're on their own. That's why we set them up with patient assistance programs: We don't want to start them on things they won't be able to afford. We also connect them with the appropriate groups, clinicians and providers. We want to make sure they have the right plan in place when they leave."

Zerkle agreed the aftercare regimen was crucial to her success.

"The aftercare they set up for me was hugely important," Zerkle said "They made sure I was medically all right and chemically balanced, and didn't just lose my mind when I returned to the real world."

Upon leaving the facility, Zerkle got a job as a Domino's delivery driver. She regularly had doors slammed in her face and had customers ask for another delivery driver, she said.

"I caused a lot of pain here, and I knew I needed to heal those bonds," Zerkle said.

In October of 2019, Zerkle started a Facebook group known as Community Hand Up. The purpose was to bring a little good into a community she had hurt for many years.

"I have this desire to make a difference in my community after spending years tormenting it," Zerkle said in her first post on the page. "This group I'm hoping can be a place where people in need can ask their community for help without judgment."

Community Hand Up is a page where group members can donate anything, including food and clothes, to those in need, she said. In three years, the group has accumulated more than 3,000 members.

"A lot of times when somebody's in need, they have to qualify for assistance," Zerkle said. "I took the qualifications out. I just said, 'If you have a need, let's see how the community can help.'"

That desire to help others led Zerkle to return to the Cedar Mountain Center earlier this year. Humphries-Wadsworth said it was critical for residents to interact with success stories like Zerkle's.

"Jillian is a beacon of light in a very dark time for a lot of our residents," he said. "When people are in the midst of a substance use disorder, they can't see a future where they're successful. When they see someone like Jillian, it gives them hope."

Zerkle agreed.

"The one thing I hear from residents more than anything else is, 'I can't do this,'" Zerkle said. "I am living proof they can. I just passed three years of probation, and it was more exciting for our residents than it was for me because they saw it could be done. It is possible to have a life."

At long last, Zerkle says she has found peace and a purpose.

"I love my life now," she said. "I'm part of my family's life. I'm raising a little girl with my boyfriend. I love my job, and the people I get to help."

Zerkle said it was love that saved her life, and it is love she wants to give back to the world. And for those who are struggling with addiction, the first step is simply to accept that love, she said.

"I would just say reach out for help because there are people who are willing to help you," Zerkle said. "They are willing to love you and work through this with you. So accept that love, and when you fall, get back up and keep going."