Struggling together, hoping together

Everyone experiences loss at some point in their life. The grief that accompanies loss is often life-changing, and many people can struggle with knowing how to move forward.

The Grief Recovery Method is a program designed to help people address their loss and find help, support, and hope.

Jenny Boteler is a certified specialist in the Grief Recovery Method who leads local Grief Recovery classes, which are sponsored by Hospice of Sweetwater County.

"There are at least 40 different losses in life that can produce grief," Boteler explained.

She said people tend to only think of the death of a loved one when they think of grief. However, there are many other losses that can also cause grief, such as the death of a pet, losing a relationship such as through a divorce, losing a job, experiencing a miscarriage or abortion, losing health and physical ability, losing safety and security, losing trust, and more.

"Anything that creates a big change in your normal day to day flow of life can cause grief," she said. This can even include things that are normally perceived as positive, such as graduating high school.

"The Grief Recovery Method is designed to work with folks who are struggling with any kind of loss to just find a safe place and some tools to work with," Boteler said.

The local support group she leads is actually a mixture between a support group and a class, Boteler explained. While it is a group context offering support, there is more structure and work involved than in many traditional support groups where people just get together to talk. In the course, participants work through a specific process and educational materials, including homework, focused on grief and its impact.

Sometimes working through grief requires letting go of guilt or expressing unfinished communications. Sometimes it means realizing grief is a lifelong companion you have to figure out how to befriend. Every time, it means working through misinformation connected to loss.

"Our culture just doesn't deal well with death," Boteler said. "We don't like pain. We want everybody to get happy quicker."

Because of the general discomfort with pain, many harmful perceptions of grief are commonly experienced by people going through a loss. Many times people bury their grief, believe they need to work through it alone, or try to recover from it and be "back to normal" quickly.

Other times, outside people meaning to help someone who is grieving do more harm than good by offering cliches meant to comfort people, such as "time heals all wounds" or "this was God's will." Either because they don't understand grief or are uncomfortable with it, even family and friend groups can end up not being a safe place for someone who is hurting.

"So this group creates a safe place for people to come together, share their stories, express their feelings, struggle together, hope together and work a process together," Boteler said.

One of Boteler's main focuses is creating a safe and welcoming environment. However, she is also aware it can be intimidating for people to be vulnerable in a group setting at first. She tries to model vulnerability by sharing some of her own losses before encouraging others to do the same.

"Part of being in a group setting is sharing your story as you are comfortable," she said.

While encouraging people to share, Boteler also recognizes the difficult and delicate nature of many losses. Rather than needing to share all the details, participants are encouraged to focus on how their loss has made them feel and to be honest about their emotions.

Boteler has also found that it becomes easier for people to share as they go through the process and develop more relationships. Regardless of how much they share, participants are encouraged to "speak their truth." Eventually, Boteler has seen many participants develop deep and lasting friendships with each other.

Another element of the group setting is making sure everyone feels welcome by starting out with a rule that no one compares their loss to anyone else's. People may dismiss their own grief by thinking it's "not as bad" as someone else's loss, but Boteler reassures them their own grief is valid, no matter what the source.

"The truth is, grief is grief, and it's very personal," she said.

Anyone who has experienced loss in any form can benefit from the course. While the benefits are different for every person who goes through it, one focus is learning how to move forward with life, Boteler said. People are encouraged to understand their grief, where it comes from, and how it has impacted their life.

"There's a gift in understanding our grief and what it does to us," Boteler said, explaining that this allows people to make choices about how to respond and move forward.

Boteler has also seen people who go through the class have a new understanding about not only their own losses but also more awareness of how they respond to the losses of others.

"Every week we commit to no judgment, no analysis, no advice, and no comparing," Boteler explained. "We let people's story be theirs. And our job is to listen, not fix. People are not broken. Our hearts may feel broken, but it's not our job to fix them, it's only our job to be with them and to listen well to them."

Boteler has led Grief Recovery Method classes locally for five years and alternates class locations between Rock Springs and Green River. The next class will start next Tuesday, Sept. 13, and go for eight weeks, with classes each Tuesday night from 6:30 to 8:30 in the Grace Gasson Room at White Mountain Library in Rock Springs. Depending on her schedule, Boteler hopes to host another class in Green River sometime this fall.

The class is free, but a $10 donation is requested for the book that participants use. Anyone who can't afford the donation is welcome to be part of the class and have the cost of the book covered for them, according to Boteler, who said she wants the class to be "as accessible as possible." 

The class is limited to 18 people, so people should make sure a spot is reserved for them beforehand. Anyone who wants to be a part of the class can reserve their seat by calling Hospice of Sweetwater County at (307) 362-1990 or by calling Boteler at (307) 875-3323. Those with more questions about the class and the Grief Recovery Method can call Boteler for more information.