In the mouth of a lion: I'll never set a record

If you walk into the office of the Green River Star, you will see a stack of newspapers from around the western United States on the counter.

Each week, I’ll take a look at a few of them to get story, photo, and design ideas, and also just to see what’s the pulse of some of the communities around the size of Green River.

While I was looking at the Weiser (Idaho) Signal American last week, I came across a story about two senior volleyball players who smashed the Guinness World Record for the most consecutive volleyball passes at 3,002.

The previous record had been 500, and the pair continued until their arms went numb and they could no longer carry on.

This really got me to think that maybe there could be some type of Guinness World Record I could set and have my 15 minutes of fame when I was listed for at least a year in the annual book they publish, which in fact is a real hoot to read.

My instant thought was there would be no possible way I could do the volleyball record.

Not a chance. In gym class at Rock Springs High School, I once served the ball so badly that it got stuck in the rafters of the gym where I’m sure it probably still sits. How someone does that, I’m not really sure, but I managed to. It was the first of various sporting balls stuck where they shouldn’t be. You should see my slice on the golf course.

So, I would definitely not be anything athletic. I love sports and could watch them all the time, but I am far from an athlete. To describe me playing football or basketball would be like that moment before a lion catching a gazelle. I make these crazy flailing movements with my arms and legs like I have no control over what’s going on.

Or maybe it could be best described as the moment the lion actually gets the gazelle and it wiggles for a minute and than just gives up. I try, but the juice is not worth the squeeze and I end up watching instead. Everyone is safer that way.

My next thought is that I really enjoy eating and love shows like “Man vs. Food,” so maybe I could look into what the record for some eating contests and this is something I could slowly build myself to.

I mean there is no way I’m going to take on Joey Chestnut and thrown down 50 hot dogs in five minutes, but there has to be something obscure I could find.

I always love to go to a restaurant when they have some sort of eating challenge or a monster burger or steak. I’ve had very few that I haven’t been able to conquer.

A couple summers back a good buddy of mine said he could destroy me at a hot wing eating contest. I laughed. I doubted he would be able to last through more than 10, but we made a bet and the battle was set.

Seeing wings are a bit expensive and they only come in eight to 10 an order, we made our way to a buffet that featured hot wings.

Plate after plate, wing after wing, we worked our way up from 10 to 20, from 20 to 40 and up and up.

Finally, after I felt like I’d eaten nine chickens I waved the white flag. It turned out he was done to and after counting the wings, we had tied.

I was impressed with how I did and thought maybe this could be my thing. I tore through those things like a lion through a gazelle. That’s really the only metaphor I’ve got this week.

After going home and destroying the plumbing for a solid hour, I looked to see what the world record for wings was and was quickly depressed.

Earlier this year, Molly Schuyler, ate 363 wings in a little over 30 minutes. The mother of four sure gave me a rude awakening that I would not be setting any food records.

I kept looking through the book and online to try and find something I could do.

Just when I thought that I would never be able to accomplish one, I found a couple that I could do with a little elbow grease.

The first would be the world’s largest rubber band ball. Working at a newspaper, we have more rubber bands than you could imagine. The carriers need them for the papers and they are always laying around.

So there you go, that is something I could probably do. A 9,032 plus pound rubber band ball.

And if a lot of people want to set a record with me, if 1,254 of us dress like Smurfs in public at the same time, we would also set a record.

Whose down?